Happy Holidays from the Hot Mess Express

Looks can be deceiving.  Especially around the holidays when you are receiving endless amounts of Christmas cards that showcase a beautiful, happy family.  All smiling.  All looking like life is a breeze. I am here to clarify that my family is not as Pleasantville meets Stepford Wives as it may seem. I had two sweet family members compliment my family photo over the past month or so.  One saying that my family could be the poster family for the perfect family. Say what...!?  
My response to one of them was not to be fooled, my family is on the Hot Mess Express.  All. Of. The. Time.

   Our Holiday Card we sent out with Merry Christmas scrolled on the bottom.  Wow! What an illusion! No one is screaming, pouting, or throwing sand. :o) 

What I should have done is sent out our Christmas Card with Penelope shoving food down her throat (as she constantly is), Harper Belle wearing a costume, wig, and heels with her hair matted (as she constantly is), and Jon and I with a cocktail in our hands (as we so very often are). Side note: I would be wearing stretchy pants in our "real life" Christmas picture. This may be inspiration for next year!      

Here was my alternative choice for our Holiday Cards....HAHAHAHA!

My intention when sending out Christmas Cards is not to display a perfect family, but instead to share one brief moment, where my family got their shit together for a photo.  And take note, our photo we sent out was from June when Poppy Girl was 3 months old.  She is now almost 9 months old...we couldn't get our shit together again for another family photo in 6 months time. Way. To. Go. 

Thank you for all the kind compliments on our lovely family picture of four crazies.  They made me smile and giggle at the same time knowing what really goes down behind closed doors.  As so many of you probably can relate to.  I hope the holiday season leaves you with endless laughable moments, a limited amount of melt downs (either from your children or yourself), a healthy New Year, and a grateful heart for the Hot Mess Express you may be traveling on as well.  It's a great ride. Merry Christmas! 

Shout Out To My Fellow Mommas Out There...

A sweet friend asked me tonight if having two kids seemed easier yet?  
The simple, honest answer. 
No.  
Does it help tremendously that the new one isn't colicky and screaming constantly? 
Yes. 
That she can laugh and giggle now? 
Yes.  
That the sister bond I see between the two of them is amazing? 
Yes. 
But, easier...
No. 

It's funny how you think you are totally mastering the whole parent thing.  I'm talking you are on such a high because your house is clean. Praise Jesus. Both kids are well groomed, fed, dressed in the nice clothes.  Like the Gap crap.  Or maybe even high rolling in the J.Crew Crewcuts stuff.  Their hair is done.  Like actually brushed, maybe braided, possibly in a bow.  You are feeling like you are finally getting the hang of this thing.  So perhaps you venture out to Target.  (got to start small, folks)  You are in the store.  One kid walking nicely next to you, the other in the cart seat.  Enjoying your Starbucks. (fountain coke for me, please) Before you know it, the one walking drops the damn icee.  All. Over. The. Floor.  You remain calm.  Wipe it up.  You got this.  But then, the one in the cart seat spits up everywhere.  What the hell?  She never spits up.  OK.  You got it under control.  A cute scarf picks you right back up.  I need that. You grab some shit from the home goods section. You obviously needed a new throw blanket. Perhaps some new dish towels and that Halloween ghost you have to hang on your front porch.  

Then you hit the toy aisle.  Never fails.  Here goes the one holding your hand:

This is cute.  I want this. Santa can get this.  Oh, Penelope would like this.  Mom, can you fit in this dress?  A new Elsa doll. Wow, I don't play with this toy or even watch this show, but I really think we should get it and I am never leaving this toy aisle ever even if you threaten me and start counting down, what does that even do mom, haha, joke is on you. (or so it seems she says.)

Ah ha! But as quick as the joke was on you and you are panicking the fellow moms in the aisle are going to judge you and shun you to bad mom hell and that little butthead thinks she has the upper hand, she looks at you kind of funny.  You know that look.  The kid has to poop.  And you know as much as you love Target, the bathrooms there are gross.  So now you are trucking it through the store with your kid that has to poop and your baby in the seat cart, now in your hands, now pulling out your hair and scratching at your face and screaming to be funny.  How the hell are you going to hold one in your arms and wipe the other's ass in the dirty bathroom...? Confidence way out the window at this point.  

You figure it out, you escape, you are exhausted.  You buy whatever the hell is in your cart.  You drive home realizing this is how Target gets all your money on a weekly basis.  (Take note, fellas.)  
You walk through your home doors.  
Just as easily you walked out those same doors confident, perhaps a little cocky, feeling like a bad ass mom; you come back through them feeling like you need a margarita, a nap, and a nanny. 

No. It hasn't gotten any easier with two.  I am guessing it never will.  But the stories that I get from the two of them may be worth every second. Maybe. (a very loose maybe) 
For every confident day, there are like 19 days following where I am brought right back down to reality.  I like to remind myself that I am trying my best.  And that is all those little suckers need. For me to try my best. To love them. To let them run a muck around the house and be kids.   

For all my new mommas out there...You are doing awesome.  You are great, you are loving, you are fabulous.  Those babies love you more than you will ever know.  And most importantly, you are not alone. You are not the only one who dreams about bubble baths and wine glasses and catching up on DVR and having couch dates again. You will feel like yourself again soon. Maybe a little bit crazier then before babies, but yourself.  Know it doesn't get easier, but the love sure does grow each and every day.

Word to my sistas': Represent. See you at Target with those screaming babies. No judgement coming from this hot mess of a mom with two chaotic kids. Amen. 
And if your children aren't like mine and you have perfect trips and successful days everyday, good for you. Share some tips...or knock on wood, your day is bound to come sucka...

Trouble. The two of them together. 

Summer Lovin'

Summer has come and gone.  How quickly back to school came.  How quickly endless summer days ended.  How quickly Harper Belle started Pre-k 3 and Penelope entered happy days were colic almost seemed like it never existed. Almost. 

Here is little momma on her first day of Pre-k 3.  My heart melts. 

When I look back to why I didn't blog at all in July or August, nothing really comes to mind.  We were getting into a much better schedule with Poppy and were finally enjoying days were we could leave the house without her losing her shit.  We traveled down to South Florida for 10 days were P got baptized and we swam every day in the pool.  And then the crazy that is back to school hit. But otherwise, nothing too eventful.  

 The Goose rocking her Baptism Gown. 

I think my most memorable event this summer is probably learning that Harper Belle is an absolute nut case in the movie department.  We found ourselves watching movies often this summer when P was napping or sitting or laying or just because it was too dang hot to even walk to the mailbox.  Anyway, I would be scrolling through the channels and naming the shows that are on and HB will literally squeal with glee if a "scary movie" is on.  Not kidding.  We are talking some of her faves are as follows:

-War of the Worlds (her top favorite) - What the hell kind of kid likes watching a bellowing alien robot thing come up from underground and try to suck up people into their spaceships?  Not to mention, I have to watch Tom Cruise over and over and there is just something about him ever since he married Katie Holmes that just bothers me...

- Jaws - Now, this one I don't mind.  I think this movie is pretty awesome.  I am, however, utterly surprised that considering we live in Florida and love to swim, she isn't even the slightest bit concerned that a giant shark isn't going to gobble her up.  But, she is very familiar with the theme music from this movie, so it's fun to scare her in the pool or bathtub with that tune...duunnn dunnn... duuuunnnn duun... duuunnnnnnnn dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn dunnnn!!!!

- Jurassic Park - This is my all time favorite movie, so whenever it comes on, of course I stop to watch.  This one did scare her just a little, so we only watched about 5 minutes before I changed it. Pending you watch it at the right time.  It is soooo slow to start.  Let's just get right to the point where the T-Rex is all up in those two jeeps' business...the water vibrating while that dino walks up is straight awesome.  Not to mention, HB needs to buck up at this movie since my mom had me see it in the movie theater when it first came out.  Giant dinosaurs on the big screen as a kid. Bad. Ass.   

Here is the best one...wait for it....

- Octoshark vs. Pterocuda - I. Am. Not. Even. Kidding. This may be the best name for a movie ever.  You can probably guess that this shit was on the Sci-Fi channel.  So we turn in on out of curiosity.  And at just the right moment apparently, because a huge "octoshark" jumps right out of the ocean and bites off Conan O'Brien's head.  Yes, Conan O'Brien. It gets better. Then blood is gushing everywhere and I am quickly calling timeout on this movie.  So I immediately change it and the kid throws a legit temper tantrum.  The basket case can't stop talking about the movie where the shark creature bites of a head.  For the record, we didn't watch more than those 10 seconds of gore so I don't even know what the Pterocuda looks like. Big Bummer. Seriously. 

And for all the judgy folks out there, I monitor MANY movie choices.  My daughters sure in hell aren't watching the ones that haunt you for the rest of your life.  There will be no Bambi in this house. Hell no.  Or Fox and the Hound.  Absolutely not.  Dumbo is questionable. I would much rather my child watch man eating beasts than watch a sweet deer momma get shot.  RUINED MY PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE. 

Hot Mess Express. 

Pedicure on my Toes, Toes. 

Poppy Girl and her Baby Blues 

        

When we weren't watching "scary" movies this summer, we were dressing up in fur coats and shades having dance parties.  I often wonder if Penelope sits back and wonders what the hell kind of life she got brought into.  And as I write this, I am sure my husband often wonders the same thing.  Poor guy.  A house full of ladies who like to shop, dress up, make messes, and dance everywhere.  Every man's dream, right?  Anyway, check out that diva above.  I don't know where she gets it from...(insert sarcasm) Harper Belle also got her first hair cut and manicure and pedicure before she started school.  I can't believe how quickly she grew up into a little girl.  How does it happen....?  

Sweet Poppy girl has made a 180 in her life choices.  I guess she started taking our threats of leaving her at a "safe place" seriously.  She is happy and laughs and lets me hold her (for short periods).  Better than nothing! Her baby blue eyes are beautiful. Since I have brown eyes, I just love staring into hers. Watching the two girls interact is perfection.  They couldn't adore each other any more than they do.  

I will leave you with a shout out to the FSU Seminoles!  My family will be cheering on the Noles this football season and hoping for a National Championship Title again.  Especially since my husband should have taken me to Pasadena this past January for the game, but dropped the ball on that.  Not putting the blame on anyone or anything...Ahem, Jon. 

What a Lame-o.  

This year will hopefully be his chance to redeem himself.  Or its out of the house for him.  A lot is riding on this college football season.  Pride, Determination, Money, Marriages.  No Biggie. Here is to a wonderful football and fall season. Go Noles! 

28 Things I Love About The Standard

So, June is all about the daddies in the world and the Schulze Sisters were sure to thank their daddy on Father's Day this year. 
This picture seriously melts my heart. Nothing sweeter than this dad attempting to do his daughter's hair. (HB may hate when he touches her hair and screams and cries like he is beating her, but that's besides the point)

Since Poppy was born, it has been a lot harder to get out of the house and plan a fabulous Father's Day celebration like I wanted to do, but for the record, I had great intentions.  
Instead, Harper Belle last minute gifted her dad with a stick on mustache. That we found in the arts and crafts drawer in the kitchen...
I know, awesome. 
We did have fun acting like idiots with the mustache for awhile, though. This is probably why Penelope looked like she hated life for the first 10 weeks of her life. I do crap like this to her. 

But I thought in this post, I could write the many things that I love and appreciate about my husband (who is nicknamed The Standard from a friend because he is a pretty ideal hubs who super takes care of me, the kids, and the house).
Since I didn't get the time to buy him a stupid card and write it in there, here goes nothing:

1. He looks good in gym shorts.
2. He takes us to Disney World and doesn't complain.
3. He lets us buy 12389012830912 $60.00 Disney costumes and doesn't complain
4. He took me to a Jessica Simpson concert when we were in High School. 
5. HE COOKS FOR US!  Lord knows I suck at cooking.  Every night this hunk has dinner for us.  A to the Men. 
6. Not only does he cook ladies, but he cleans the house, too.  
7. Let me make you all jealous, he does the laundry as well.  (I don't sit on my ass all the time, I promise, I do some stuff)
8. He will watch Real Housewives of Orange County with me. 
9. He admits that I am a better driver then him. 
10. He also admits that I am a pretty awesome college football fan. Go Noles!
11. He will rub my feet if I annoy him enough.
12. He ignores all the bags I come home with when I go shopping. 
13. He also ignores the fact that I go to Target probably 4 times a week. 
14. He is really cute. 
15. He likes to explore with me. And be lazy with me.  
16. He might not admit it, but I know he likes when I watch Sex and the City reruns on E!
17. He is funny. Not as funny as me. But he is pretty funny. 
18. He saw Moulin Rouge with me at the movie theater when we were 16 years old.  I am sorry you sat through that...and all the other garbage movies I made you see...like Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
19. He loves his two little girls more than anything in the world. 
20. His two little girls love him more than anything in the world. 
21. He makes me fall more in love with him every day. 
22. He has always put his family first. 
23. He never lets me forget I fell down the stairs at a theater show at Universal Studios in front of hundreds of people. 
24. He is so obnoxiously a boy. He always wants to wrestle and it hurts. He does stupid boy things. 
25. He might not understand it, but he has come to accept my ridiculous shoe collection. 
26. He also accepts my Rastafarian hair and the fact that it is constantly a mess. 
27. Let's face it, I love him because he loves me and I am a mess. 
28. He is just freaking awesome. 

I love you. Happy Father's Day/Month to a really good dad. 

Grub and Goose

My husband and I didn't decide on our youngest daughter's name until she was about 12 hours old.  We literally had about 7 names that we kept tossing around before we both agreed on Penelope. 

We also knew we wanted her to have the nickname, Poppy, after my grandfather who I called "Poppy".  I think of sweet Poppy Flowers, my husband thinks opium and Miami Papi's.  Male vs. Female brain thoughts I suppose. 

Then, when Penelope was about 10 days old, Harper Belle comes in the bedroom to see Penelope and says, "Her long name is Penela-goose".  WTF.  Where in the world does that come from?  Penela--goose.  Thus, the name "Goose" is literally what we call our sweet newborn the most.  Bless her heart. 
Harper Belle's baby nickname is Grub (from being tightly swaddled as a baby and looking like a grub) and now we have a Goose.  Which is a great nickname for Penelope since she has been a grumpy baby, just like a grumpy old goose.  Who honks and makes scowling faces all the time. Just the sweetest nicknames, right? Good thing children don't get a choice in these matters...

Here is HB as a baby representing her nickname.

The nicknames don't end there... 

Just last week, Harper Belle started calling her sister, "Pissy".  Ummmm, Pissy?  I think she is combining Penelope and Sissy to create Pissy.  Or also because this baby does indeed have a pissy 'ole attitude for the first months of her life and Harper Belle probably unknowingly recognizes that.  So, please picture my three year old yelling, "Come here Pissy!" down the aisles of Target.  Awesome.

We have a special household if you haven't already figured that out.  HB is quite the gypsy with very interesting thoughts and ideas.  I can only imagine how this Goose will turn out as well.  She sure is making her mark and her own personality in this house. Lord help us. 

Either way, this Grub and Goose may just be the cutest little duo I know. How can this not make you smile?  I am so excited to see their sisterhood blossom into an amazing relationship.  Full of laughter, friendly teasing, sharing of clothes and shoes, and driving their daddy crazy. Mission already started...

 HB 3 1/2 years old and P 9 weeks

Little Lady...?

Let me start by saying that I would like to call myself a lady.  I feel like I am a fairly classy gal.  I like to wear my pearls, enjoy my southern roots, have an obsession with shoes and dressing up.  Don't get me wrong, I will rock my stretchy  pants and hair in a birds nest on top of my head like no other, but overall, I feel like I am a fairly fancy broad.  

Now, with that being said, I swear like a sailor.  A damn sailor. I can ramble off some swear words like no other.  Usually in a funny, joking manner, other times during a moment I am fired up.  Either way, I curse. My husband is always telling me that I am constantly getting out of our car yelling something obscene and that the neighbors are going to think I am crazy (or highly inappropriate).   Whatever. I would like to call it; a strong personality. With a special ability for dry, sarcastic humor.   

Now, you will never hear me say that I am in any way, Mom of the Year. I remind myself daily that I am trying my best and that is all I can do.  But, if we are being totally honest, I wasn't surprised when my daughter spoke her first swear word.  No judgement. 

Harper Belle was totally heading out to the car, on our way to school, when she drops her bottle of water while trying to juggle her lunch box and book bag.  The water drops and straight out of my three year olds mouth, "Ohhhhhh shit".  

I just froze, slightly proud she used it in the right context (haters gonna hate), and slightly mortified. Mostly because I was concerned what the hell her teachers at preschool were going to think if she started dropping those words at school.

"What did you say?!" is all I could muster. And clear as day, she repeats it again.  And with a good excuse as she explains that she dropped her crap and just couldn't hold it all. (my words, not hers)

Did the "shit" phrases end there?  Of course not.  Any time the girl dropped something over the next few weeks, the same words came out of her mouth. A spilled icee at Target, "Shit".  Slamming on the brakes in the car, "Shit".  Dropping the water bottle in the Publix parking lot, "Oh Shit".   

Please just picture those ugly words coming out of this sweet girls mouth...(a request I should probably apply to myself as well...)

This is a kind reminder to myself to try to keep it classy and be well aware that three years old is apparently the age that children listen to absolutely everything you say... EVERYTHING. 

I am just grateful the F-Bomb hasn't been dropped yet. That time will come I am sure. In the meantime, I will try to watch what comes out of my mouth in front of our children. Try.   

This is also a reminder that, yes in fact, shit happens. I know it. Harper Belle knows it.  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh? 

Keeping it real.  One lady...or dirty 'ole sailor to the next....

Welcome Penelope!

Lots of excitement going on here in our chaotic household...key words being excitement and chaotic. 
One...there doesn't take much to excite me these past few months, like getting to sit down and blog for once.  (which I am having to stop right now because a sweet, little human is crying my name...)

And two...chaotic, thanks to life with two beautiful bambinos to take care of.  What. An. Adjustment.

With that being said, we welcomed our second little girl, Penelope Grey on Friday, April 4th at 1:45 pm. 8 lbs 3 oz and 20 inches long. 

Below is the shot of Harper Belle meeting her sister for the first time. Melt my heart.  That may just be the sweetest memory I'll ever have...
How do you beat that genuine excitement of a 3 year old meeting her little sister? Perfection.  

Penelope looks just like her sister did when she was born. It's crazy to me how much they look similar, yet how different two babies can be.

That's Harper Belle on the left and Penelope on the right. Same stinking baby, huh?  They may look the same in the newborn days, but that's where the similarities end...Insert colic diaries. Or should I just say baby hell?  Not even being dramatic. 

I will share more about our colic days/baby hell in an upcoming post.  I feel like I should relish in the gratitude of delivering a healthy baby girl on this post before I share the absolute shit show that was to follow after the first 2 weeks of baby bliss.  

With that, I do thank God every day for my healthy family and two gorgeous little girls. With every one moment of "what did we do" there are several more of "I am so blessed".  

Welcome to life sweet Penelope.  You are bound for amazing things my sweet Poppy flower. 

Whoops. Update Time.

Okay.  I started off poorly with a blog.  Let's try again.  Focus.

8 months later, I am writing my second post.  What can happen in 8 months...?  Let's see.  I am currently 40 weeks pregnant.  Waiting for another little girl to arrive into our arms at any moment.  Harper Belle is anxiously awaiting "her baby sister's birthday" and honestly has no idea what is in store for life to come.  I don't think I know what is to come... I am anticipating lots of laughs and smiles, but am also no fool to the melt downs to come.  From me.  From HB.  From baby girl.  And I can only assume my husband will have one or two to his name as well.

This pregnancy was completely different than HB's.  I felt sick in the beginning,  my body was more sore throughout, and I am way more anxious at the end.  Maybe this is why women have the "two and through" motto after baby #2...?  This pregnancy comes with many prayers being answered, however.  As it took 24 months to conceive baby girl 2,  I can only sit here feeling blessed and grateful that after a summer of fertility testing, everything came back normal and I got pregnant naturally.  I guess taking my doctor's advice to relax, drink wine, and eat a cheeseburger was key. I suppose there really is a greater plan for you even if you don't quite understand it at the time.  Maybe is has to do with the fact that I probably couldn't have handled two under two?!  Not that my 3 year old is going to make this transition any easier...

Which brings me to my Threenager....
My daughter is a mess.  She is 3 going on 13.  She literally turned 3 and seriously the sass went on mega mode.  How do people stay serious when their kid belts out "Let it Go" from Frozen in the loudest octave possible in their underwear while pulling the cat's tail and chugging back "fruit water" from a mason jar?

Hot. Mess.
My heart hurts I love her so much and I can only imagine what kind of big sister she will be.  A good one. Yes.  An instigator. Yes. A lover. Yes. A giant pain in the ass. Yes.
The two sisters will be quite the duo.  I can already see the pile of Disney princess costumes laying on the floor with makeup everywhere and two little ladies dancing and screaming.  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

Hopefully the next post will bring an introduction to our new little girl and won't be 8 months later...
I. Will. Blog.
It can only get easier, right?!